Transcript:

0:01
Welcome to the Revolutionary Rompereglas podcast where we converge at the intersection of trauma healing, embodied spirituality, decolonization, pleasure, intimacy, leadership and culture change. Iím Isha Vela, trauma psychologist and somatic expressive energy alchemists for healers, change agents and bridge builders. You’re here because you believe that unraveling fractured concepts that live in your emotional, spiritual and mental systems, while moving toward embodied sovereignty is the real work towards your personal liberation and our collective evolution. In this first season of the podcast, I’m interviewing New Earth leaders who are sharing their personal journeys, and how it’s brought them to the purpose led work they do now. Occasionally, I’ll chime in with my own inspired episodes. My intention is that the conversations and tools shared in this podcast will inspire and support you on your own magical human journey to owning yourself fully.
1:01
Hi, welcome to the second solo episode of the Revolutionary Rompereglas podcast, you know, these solo episodes are usually inspired by things that I’m observing in the collective or aspects of the self that I see getting in the way of sovereignty, personal power, or the collective evolution. So in episode seven of the podcast, I spoke about the rescuer archetype as being a toxic pattern and many of the healers and helpers I support, and one that I’ve embodied for much of my life. And what I want to offer you in this episode, is a sister facet of the rescuer archetype, which is the victim. And before we begin, I just want to remind you that these are common archetypes, identities and ways of interacting and relationships. This is not an attempt to shame or to label but to simply bring into consciousness, the ways that you may be disempowering yourself. And I have to say that it feels somewhat risky to talk about the victim, because it’s an archetype that I’ve been working really closely with in the process of my decolonization, it feels so intimately connected to the embodied disempowerment of having grown up in a colony. So don’t be misled by the name of this archetype. Because when it’s properly recognized, the victim can alert you to the possibility that you’re about to allow yourself to be victimized, whether it’s through the passivity or inappropriate actions of another person or the system so that you can protect yourself. The victim archetype helps you decide what you will or will not do. It’s a guardian of your personal boundaries. And it can also help you recognize your own tendency to victimize others for your personal gain. And by personal gain, I mean, egoic personal gain. So the lessons associated with the victim archetype, demand that you evaluate your relationship to power, especially with people with whom you’ve had control issues and with whom you have to set boundaries. So the primary objective is really to develop your own personal esteem and power. So it’s basically you know, third chakra work, diaphragmatic work. In the shadow manifestation, the victim inside of you will tell you that you’re always being taken advantage of, it’s never your fault, it’s other people, they’re to blame. Right, and then the shadow manifestation, the victims, like people who are in the shadow aspect of the victim, they pull energy using guilt and shame. And unfortunately, this is the way many of us have been parented. And I have to say that although dysfunction exists in every family, I’m thinking in particular, of Latin ex families, where guilt and shame are used to control pleasure and limit freedom. And so this is again, very tied into you know, about the collective trauma of colonization, and it needs to be acknowledged that victimhood actually arises from being victimized, right, it comes from a feeling of having been victimized and, and there may have been an actual victimization, right, whether it’s for being female or for being a person of color or for being differently abled, etc. That is absolutely legitimate and real, the problem is, and how it plays out when it’s not conscious or integrated. And this can play out in really, really subtle ways. For example, in the example of a partnership, whether you know, it’s a business partnership, or whether it’s your relationship to a system or just simply a romantic partner, you may act in a way that is more helpless than you actually are in order to seek attention and in its most well-known form, victimhood can arise as martyrdom from over giving, and not getting a return on your investment. Right. And this goes back to that episode seven of the rescuer archetype. When we invest our energy in someone who is helpless, then we complain that they’re not showing up for us in the relationship, like I do all of these things, and they don’t, you know, they keep drinking, or they keep like checking out, well, let’s look within how you’ve created that, right how you’ve been part of that dynamic. So the reason why the Vig it can be a really juicy place to be is because we get positive feedback from our culture. And I’m, you know, here speaking of white western culture, because we get feedback in the form of sympathy and pity, when we’re in the victim. Our ego gets nourishment in that place. And it’s connected to that social mask, right? Whenever you find yourself saying, I can’t take it anymore, or any statement that’s sort of I can’t, there’s a little bit of a collapse there in the I can’t, when you find yourself saying I can’t, you’re likely to be in the shadow aspect of the victim archetype. And what I want to challenge you to do is to shift from ìI can’tî to ìI won’t,î and notice how there’s a shift in the energy when you say it, right. So like, ìI can’t take it anymoreî becomes ìI won’t take it anymore.î And there’s a stronger energy there, there’s a decision behind the ìI won’t.î And going back to the piece around the feedback, the positive feedback, we get in the form of sympathy and pity, that sometimes this victim archetype also shows up in the way that we as women, or female socialized beings bond with one another, right? We all complain about men, and that they’re not enough conscious men, and bla bla, bla, bla, right. And then we can complain, and we can sort of bond in our misery. So that’s another way that it shows up in subtle ways. So in establishing contact with your own inner victim, I want to invite you to ask yourself, where do you blame others for the circumstances of your life? Where and when do you spend time in self-pity? How does resentment come up for you? And with whom? Do you envy other people who always seem to get what they want out of life? Do you feel victimized by other people, when situations don’t work out the way you wanted them to? Do you tend to feel powerless? And again, it’s likely that you’ve actually been victimized, right in subtle or very obvious ways. And that wasn’t your fault, that isn’t your fault. The task now, however, is not to relinquish your sovereignty to someone else, whether it’s to system or to another person, but to come into yourself and ask yourself how you can be empowered in the place. So what I want to bring this to is the victim in the light. And I’ll talk a little bit more about like empowering yourself. So again, these archetypes have light and shadow qualities. And so now we’re going to go into the light qualities and delve a little bit deep into them. So the victim in the light has the main theme of respect, respecting others, others respecting you, and obviously, you respecting yourself. And there’s a somewhat humorous way of understanding how that respect happens by understanding that there are three types of business, your business, their business, and big business, which means the dynamics that are happening in the larger world, what the victim in the light asks us to do is to stay in our own business. And that when you leave your business, you are crossing boundaries and becoming powerless, you are draining energy, you’re losing energy. And so what I want to say here is that it isn’t your job to change anybody or even change the world. And I know that sounds contradictory to a lot of what I talk about, especially when it comes to leadership. So let me be clear about how I believe we change the world. I believe we change the world by staying in our lane, and by being exactly who we were meant to be energetically and creatively. And so I’m going to back up for a moment from that place. So at the beginning of the podcast, I mentioned that the inspiration for this podcast episode, this theme, came in part through an experience I had at a talk I attended a while ago, I think maybe six weeks ago. The speaker of this talk is highly regarded and well known. Someone that I’ve admired very much over the last years, like I’ve read their books, love all the things that are said in the books. Unfortunately, during his talk, he used a few descriptive words that didn’t align with his teachings, that didn’t align with his spiritual beliefs. It didn’t trigger me, but it definitely was incongruent.
10:26 (no pause or cut)
There’s no, there’s no doubt about that. And so when he was called in by the audience to consider the words that heíd used, that was the victim in the light, right, they were naming the harm that was caused by his choice of words, where things got sticky for me was when there was a demand from the audience for him to apologize. Like it felt like people weren’t going to be moving on unless he apologized. And although bringing harm to his attention was vital for group coherence, and for the really the collective nervous system, and for the respect for the people being harmed by the words, the demand for him to apologize was disempowering for the people asking for the apology. So the best way for me to sort of bring this into another example is by imagining it happening in a two-person relationship. Okay, so when somebody close to me, harms me, whether it’s through their own unconscious behavior or actual intent to harm, it’s important for me to name it as a way of setting an energetic boundary. And establishing respect for myself, you know, I may make an internal observation only about the dynamic, just note it for myself, maybe it’s not even something that I express to the other person, because they’re not open to hearing it. But I can make the observation about the harmful dynamic for myself and note it just as a way of protecting myself energetically, but when I slip into requiring or demanding an apology in order to be okay, or to move on, I have placed power outside of myself and centered it on the person I’m demanding an apology from. Getting them to feel remorse is not my business. In that moment, my business is forgiving them. And I know that sounds really unappealing to the ego, because of course, in my own process, I know that, yeah, I want the apology, I can feel that place in myself, am I gonna get it? No. And so my job then is to feel the hurt, and maybe to feel the anger to grieve, and thereby release it and to come back to forgiveness. So I think with the victim in the light, the original intent, right, it’s supremely connected to survival and direct physical danger, the victim in the light will come in help you feel safe, but for the most part, and generally speaking, most of the time, we are physically safe. So when we speak about the victim archetype in the modern sense, it’s working mostly on the emotional and energetic planes or levels, which adds another dimension to the issue of boundaries. And I like to think of boundaries as energetic things because like, it’s a vibration. What I am grateful for, and I’m still practicing myself is that we are living and expanding into an era of consent, permission, asking and permission giving, and we need other people’s permission to come into their business. Right? As healers and coaches and leaders, we want to get consent from other people to be able to come into their business. And that can mean physical if you’re a body worker, or emotional or energetic, and getting consent shows deep respect and regard for boundaries and for other people’s sovereignty. So an example of that would be, is it okay that I pray for you? Is it okay that I send loving thoughts, that’s energy, and we want permission and consent to do that. So the victim and the light is basically the golden rule, right, treating other people the way that you want to be treated. The problem is that people often don’t like to be treated the way that you like to be treated. People have different preferences. So instead, ask for what they need, and ask how they would like to be treated. When you ask, what do you need. It’s a beautiful opportunity for the person to actually connect to their need, and to get really specific about what they need.

14:46 (Ad)
Hey listeners, Mercury in Retrograde is arriving in just a few days and I wanted to offer something special for the day of its activation. Mercury in Retrograde, as you know, is about so much more than technological snack foods and travel interruptions. It’s about stopping the forward movement and pulling inward to get clear on your priorities, clean up communication messes and to get in alignment, in essence at the time to process. And for that reason, on Saturday, May 29th, at 4pm Eastern, I’ll be offering a TRE Class. TRE stands for trauma release exercises, and it was created by Dr. David Burns Sally, it’s a simple, elegant way to release stress and trauma in the body while also downregulating your nervous system. It’s an incredibly useful tool that you can use every day to release trapped tension in the body. The class is an hour long, and it’s by donation anywhere from $10 to $40, payable via Venmo. I’ve included the registration to the class and the Venmo link in the show notes to this episode. I hope to see you there. All right, bye bye.
15:59
So the victim in the light, or the victim archetype asks you to give up psychoanalyzing other people, fixing other people, healing another person, forget trying to figure out why they do what they do, or what they need to do, to heal. Everyone’s path is their own. And this includes, you know, being a parent with your children, we want to protect our children from harm. And at some point, we need to accept that what we’ve given them is what we’ve given them, and that they are making choices and making decisions based on you know, their own volition, their own will, etc. So watching and waiting for the path to unfold for them can be excruciating. And it’s absolutely necessary for their personal development. And for their, you know, accessing their own power to their own journey. When we assume what people need, we assume that they’re not healing, which violates their boundaries, it’s probably not true, what you may need to do instead in the victim in the lightest to practice detachment and space holding. And that involves patience, lots of patience, this is obviously hard for the part of us that is attached to an outcome or a specific result. So, you know, here again, the invitation is to stay in your lane, your business is to be compassionate, to be respectful of yourself, and others. When you do cross out of your own territory. When you step out of your own lane. The victim archetype helps you make amends. It helps you notice that you’ve done wrong. And this is part of holding ourselves accountable and being in integrity, recognizing when we’ve harmed and repairing that harm. And speaking of accountability, yes, let’s absolutely hold people to account and notice the difference between calling out the harm and becoming the perpetrator of harm yourself. When you seek retribution. Your job is vengeance or retaliation or seeking something from others. Your job is to seek out healing, compassion, and forgiveness in order for you to free yourself in order for you to liberate yourself. So forgiveness is the path that will free us from trauma. You know, this is not an episode about forgiveness. But I do want to say something about forgiveness that is often misunderstood. And that is important to what I teach. In order for you to forgive, you have to feel all of your feelings. I think that it’s tempting to want to come from this spiritual place and say, Oh, I forgive but that forgiveness is often incomplete. And we noticing incompleteness of that forgiveness when we go back and we feel all the feelings and the resentment and the anger again. So you have to move through all of the feelings in order to go to forgiveness. So forgiveness is a whole journey. It’s a whole journey. So that takes us ultimately to compassion, back to our hearts, and not letting other people’s violence render us powerless, make us mean, contracted and self-righteous. When we try to enforce our own rules on other people, or try to punish people who break our rules. We try to get them to act differently. That is an incredible drain of your energy. And again, that brings you back to your self-responsibility. How are you draining energy by going outside of yourself by stepping outside of your lane? Yeah, this is just another way that our energy is outside of ourselves instead of exploring where you may be shutting yourself out or dissociating from your pain or clinging to old injuries or justifying yourself. Don’t resist your own experience. Feel the feelings, grieve the losses, transmute the pain, blame the language and the experience of blame deserving this hate, separation, self-pity and resentment. These are all experiences to heal and part of your life purpose is developing a healthy relationship with the victim archetype. Meeting yourself with compassion when you are in your victimhood. I can’t tell you how many times that I’ve walked around my house when I feel so seduced by the victim. I’ve had to place my hand on my third chakra and just tell myself like, I’m not a victim. I’m not a victim. I have a different choice here. Yeah, so you’re here to become a more compassionate person to open your heart to yourself and to other people. And compassion and forgiveness are the vocabulary of the spirit.
20:40
That’s it for today’s episode. Thank you so much for listening. I hope that this conversation supported you in accessing a deeper truth. I just want to remind you to hit the subscribe button to get notified of new episodes dropping on the new and full moons of each month. If you haven’t already, leave us a five-star review on iTunes to make sure that everyone who needs this transmission gets it. See you next time, Rompereglas.